Looking into My Heart
by detective-sweetheart
Summary: ...and she realizes as she says this that she's finally managed to figure herself out.


**A/N: Hints of Annihilated if you want to look. Could consider it the flipside of another fic of mine, and SVU's not mine. **

* * *

She's not really asleep.

And she knows that he thinks she is, because she hasn't moved, her eyes are mostly closed, and she hasn't said anything. This in itself is her way of watching him without him knowing that she's watching. The reason for this is because she knows that he's never particularly liked her watching, even though he's said before that he wishes she would stay awake so that he could talk to her, even if she doesn't answer him back.

The funny thing is that she can tell that this time, he doesn't want to talk.

He's been watching her steadily for the past little while and she thinks she knows why. He wants to figure out what exactly this little encounter is, and so does she. In simpler terms, it is just what they've been doing on and off for years, the reason why they have four children and a normal part of marriage. As it is, there are no simpler terms for this…at least, not anymore. They are divorced, or so says the papers that she has hidden away where the kids can't find them, because they don't know that their father has signed them even if she does.

But at the same time, they're still married, because she hasn't handed the papers in.

This, Kathy thinks, has a strange way of making me feel like I'm in high school again and this is one of those assignments where you're 'married' to someone. The difference between that and this, however, is that this is real, and that was not. Granted, and ironically enough, when that project had come along for the two of them, they'd ended up paired off. But this isn't high school, and this isn't an assignment. It's life, and what they've got between them now is some kind of awkward that she doesn't want to think about.

It wasn't like this the last time it should have been weird, Kathy muses.

She's so used to hearing him chattering away in that quiet voice that only comes in moments like this that the silence is almost starting to get to her. What amuses her about this is that whenever Elliot thinks she's asleep, she's usually not, and this is one of those times. Somewhere along the line, she became proficient at pretending that she was asleep, enough so that she could fool him, unlike in earlier years, where he could see right through her. But neither of them can see through each other anymore, and it's their own fault, too, because they are the ones who have let it get to this point.

Those papers, she thinks, are getting burned.

What's strange about this early morning moment between them is that she hadn't expected to hear the phone ring that late at night. Hadn't really expected to be awake, either, but she had been, and had seen his cell phone number on the caller ID, and answered. She hadn't expected him to want to drive all the way in from where he was on Staten Island, to the opposite side of the city, and what he referred to sometimes as the 'tail end' of Queens. But he had. And then he'd come in and thanked her for letting him come by, not that he needed her permission, anyway, it was still his house, too. And she hadn't expected to ask him to stay, but she had, and now they had this.

She wonders why life always throws a wrench into things when it's not expected.

When he gets up, she continues to pretend that he's asleep, even though she feels her heart skip a beat, because whether or not she wants to admit it to anyone else, she really doesn't want him to leave her. He doesn't notice her eyes open all the way as he fumbles for his clothes in the darkness, not wanting to turn on the light for fear of waking her up. She hasn't heard any phones ringing, but that doesn't mean that they didn't; just because she doesn't hear something doesn't necessarily mean anything, and she knows it. But she still can't help but hope that she's right and there has been nothing to call him away just yet.

Ordinarily, she might not have cared, but this, once again, was different from the usual.

After he leaves the room, she rolls onto her back, noting vaguely that the sheets are a lot more tangled than they were before, but she doesn't care. The bed will be made up again in the morning, and this isn't something she wants to think about. Another thought hits her, then, and she realizes that she's a lot colder now than she was before, when he was still beside her, and she wonders if she missed it before, or if she'd just trained herself to ignore it. She decides it was the latter, because there's no way she could have missed something like that.

Then again, maybe it was possible and she just didn't notice because she didn't want to.

She watches the clock. She doesn't know why, other than the fact that she's waiting for him to come back, and hoping that he will, and there's not really anything better to do but wait. She'd heard footsteps sooner after he left, and wonders who they belonged to, figuring that it was one of the kids. Most likely one of them heard him walking around and wondered who it was and why they were walking around. She bites back the desire to laugh at this. Whoever it was is certainly in for a shock. She almost wants to get up and find out who it was, but decides not to, choosing to maintain the façade of being asleep.

Moments later, when she thinks she's really about to drift off, he reappears.

"I don't know who she's been talking to, but this isn't what she thinks it is," he mutters, and then, "I can't believe she just said that to me."

Silence. Kathy doesn't say anything, even though she knows it was likely Kathleen that he ran into, because Elizabeth probably wouldn't have said anything, and Maureen is off in the dorm rooms until the weekend.

"You know, the kids have gotten awfully cynical lately," says Elliot, and she knows that he's under the impression that she's not listening, because he still thinks she's asleep. She knows that he's going to continue talking anyway, a conversation with himself, as far as he's concerned, but at least she's there, so it doesn't look like he's losing it completely.

"This isn't a one-night stand, though," he continues. "I don't know exactly what it is, but I know it's not that, and I _still_ can't believe she said that. I mean, does she really think that's the only reason I came here?"

His voice almost echoes. The silence is gone, and because it is, it feels like there's some kind of weight being lifted off her shoulders, because things are somewhat normal again, if only for a moment. She's been lying here the entire time, just reflecting, and trying to figure out what this unpredictable heart of hers is saying this time around, but it doesn't seem like an answer's going to come anytime soon. And looking for one isn't really doing her any good.

At least, not at first. Finally tired of the charade of being asleep, she shifts in her position, opening one eye to look at him, but he doesn't notice this until she talks to him.

"Hey, Elliot?"

When he jumps, she knows she's gotten his attention, and she goes on. "I love you," she says, and closes her eyes again.

When she thinks about it as the alarm clock goes off, she knows she's finally figured herself out.


End file.
